Easy Ways to Embetter the B.P. Situation: Or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Iran

Hey, you know that recent oil spill? The giant disaster one? If you’re like me, the tragedy of it all has made you feel a little angry. Maybe a little like taking action. But wait!, you say. We’re just common Joe 24-Packs, everyday screw-ups who don’t read the news on a regular basis! What could we possibly do? Well, here’s your answer: a list of some simple and everyday steps for the average guy who just wants to fix everything and wrap the Gulf Coast in an awkward, sweaty hug of social responsibility.

1) Complain. Everywhere and every day. Take advantage of this rare opportunity to use the ill-advised term ‘sleazeball’.

2) “B.P.” also stands for baby prostitute! Lol! Those slutty, under-aged oil distributors! Make sure to point this out to your friends and share a laugh.

3) Boycott baby prostitutes.

4) Complain, but while wearing funny and/or brightly-colored shirt.

5) Boycott BP Hobbies, a company that sells balsa wood model airplanes in Piscataway, New Jersey.

6) Complain, but with a fun twist: switch up your style by complaining in a different accent! “Elderly Italian Gentleman” works well.

7) Grow a beard.

8) Complain, but while wearing funny and/or brightly-colored hat.

9) Throw a hilarious craft party! You and your friends can decorate bottles of chocolate syrup to resemble oil rigs that ‘spill’ delicious topping on any ice cream delicacy.

10) A hilarious ice cream party will follow!

11) Dress up as American Indians and dump tea in the Boston Harbor to show your resentment to those stupid Brits! It’s just crazy enough to work.

12) Get a Hummer, and then cut back slightly on driving.

13) Complain, but with a fun twist: sing your complaints!

14) Stop watching any and all variations on “Pirates of the Caribbean”; remember that B.P. also stands for the Black Pearl.

15) Another reason to stop watching Johnny Depp be a pirate: the Mexican Gulf is kind of ruined. Think of the upcoming strain on the poor Caribbean Ocean’s natural resources as wealthy vacationers and rowdy Spring Break-ers are forced to make the switch!

16) Refrain from using British Parliamentary Style (B.P.), a style of debating.

17) Refrain from using British Parliamentary Style (B.P.), a sex position.

18) If you were ever a fan of the work of the Libyan terrorist Abdel Baset al-Megrahi, switch your loyalties to the work of another, less sleazeball-supportin’ terrorist! It turns out that B.P. executives worked to free this violent criminal from prison, all for the purposes of drilling for further oil in his home country of Libya. Stick it to the man by choosing another plane bomber!

19) Forward emails to your friends that gush exclamation points of cuteness over pictures of the adorable, doomed craw-fish and shrimp.

20) Boycott the news. The news, as we know, runs on gasoline, so go ahead and snub any and all updates on the situation. Bonus: this will also make your complaints about the evil of the company seem endlessly more forceful and frequent.

Eliza Campbell is our resident Crabby Appleton and advises you read this website frequently.