Things I Learn From Working in Retail

Brandon is a twenty-something working at a nation-wide convenience and drug store that isn't CVS. He works mostly in their photo lab developing and laughing at pictures of the "common people", while people watching to avoid actual work. These letters are his deepest thoughts to those that he interacts with and observes, after being dragged through sarcasm and shi- I mean wit.

Dear Ham Artist,

You're Casper. A spirit that appears in black and white markers, an aura around our store sign. Can we formally meet? I imagine you are young and fresh from high school; a "punk" by elderly terms, with a flat bill and skateboard. Perhaps this lovely ham was your first drawing ever? The amateurish appearance shows only slightly though, I promise.

I'd love to discuss the detail that goes into creating your near-perfect ha m bone, complete with checkered skin and small circle representing the bone itself. And let's not forget the "handle" part of the bone; all of that which makes a true ham bone complete. Though with great pride do we display it, I have do have one question: Why draw on the side facing AWAY from our store? Our customers would surely love seeing a ham on our sign. For what greater a way to distinguish ourselves not only from the competition, but from other affiliated stores?

"I’m craving Sour Gummy Phallic Bears. What's the cheapest place to get that from around here?"

"That place with the ham on its sign."

"That's an hour away. Is there not one closer?"

"Probably, but I wouldn’t go anywhere else. They have a sign with a ham on it!"

I’ll be honest- you deserve a check from us for your gracious efforts. The amount would be "Priceless" and it would be made out to none other than "The Ham Artist". You entertain us, and give us something to look forward to whenever we remember to go out and check for your mark. Never abandon us, ol’ Hammi. I’m counting down the days 'till my eyes and your ham meet again. And I'm looking forward to restarting at zero.


The Guy from Behind the Counter

Brandon Hite finds the junk that collects in your cup-holders really, really fascinating.


eliza.e.campbell said...

I give this "four hams". Four hams up.

Austin said...

Banksy of northern kentucky? I think YES. He's breaking barriers man...sticking it to the (ham) MAN!

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