Things I Learn From Working in Retail

Brandon is a twenty-something working at a nation-wide convenience and drug store that isn't CVS. He works mostly in their photo lab developing and laughing at pictures of the "common people", while people watching to avoid actual work. These letters are his deepest thoughts to those that he interacts with and observes, after being dragged through sarcasm and shi- I mean wit.

Dear Mom Who Doesn't Watch Your Kids,

I'm proposing a new tax. This tax is meant to help me personally recover the costs for the stress and labor that goes behind cleaning up after your kids. For the record, “cleaning up after... kids” refers to their [the kids] decision to treat the toy aisle like their personal playroom after eating Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory. The whole factory.

The tax will be applied, without notice, from the moment you walk in the door as long as you have more than zero children accompanying your shopping experience; it will be minimal, accessed at a varying rate, and completely dependent on how I feel when you begin to check out. The tax has no guarantee to stay at a constant rate during checkout, as you and your kids' disrespectful behavior can dictate an always upward fluctuation at any given time.

Pick up a candy bar, admire and smell it, then put it in the wrong place? Tax increase.

Let your kid run behind the counter and play with the cigarettes? Tax increase.

Allow your youngest child to swipe your credit card because it’s “cute”? Tax increase.

Neglect to answer your child after they scream your name for a steady thirty seconds? Tax increase.

Tell your kid to go back to find that pair of sunglasses at the back of the store that you suddenly feel like purchasing? Tax increase, and a prompt slap to the face.

Upon your approach to our check-out counter, we will review the warpath made by you and your army of ankle-biters, and warn you of your applicable tax status. A final tax will be decided upon as you walk out the door, where a man with a large and loaded gun will be waiting to collect with a t-shirt on that reads “CASH ONLY”. Failure to pay will result in loss of your purchased and your kids’ stolen items.. and probably your life.

Thanks for shopping with us, and come back again soon!

Love,
The Guy from Behind the Counter