The 5 Things I’m Going To Do as a Result of BYU’s Rental Car Policy:

EDIT: Ok, so I spent some time talking to a lot of people on campus, including student government reps about this issue. So, we talked. Turns out that the Hertz plan was in the works before the UTA renegotiation took place, which means originally this plan was supposed to be a supplementary service in connection with the UTA bus passes. HOWEVER, those who I talked with were pretty uncertain about why exactly the UTA passes were dropped. The main reasons cited were "money" related, which, ok, maybe that's valid. I don't know the University's finances. But what I don't consider valid is the fact that the University has very, very little to offer students who have trouble getting to campus. The University Accessibility Center operates kind of solely on volunteer work, which is great because it means there are a lot of giving and loving people at BYU who offer rides and tutoring to those with disabilities. What's not so great is that, well, it's almost solely based on volunteerism. There isn't really a huge, uh, ahem, monetary commitment to this aspect of the University, and that means that there is a lack of readily available services for students who probably need it more than anyone else. Connecting that back to the Hertz debate: the reason I am still pissed off is because as soon as it was announced that the UTA pass subsidization was canceled, it was announced (rhetorically) that the solution was rental cars. Cars for everyone! That has since been played down, obviously, but not really because in light of the fact that this isn't a service to supplant the UTA bus pass, there still remains the fact that there IS not service to supplant the UTA. So we are left bus-less, shuttle-less, car-filled, and walking. What do you think? Should we have buses back?



1. Drive more. A LOT more. I mean, I’ve basically been landlocked at my apartment for the past two years, what with all of that strenuous walking I had to do. Walk to the store, walk to the bus stop, walk to school: it never stops! I would have to exercise some sort of forethought about how I would conduct my day, often waking up early in order to shower, eat, and get to campus on time. However, now I can simply wake up five minutes before class and roll up to the building in style – and time! The days of inefficient pedestrianism are over. God created us bipeds, but he didn’t intend for us to stay that way! That’s why he gave us the wheel. The glamorous, oil-fueled wheel. It’s a gas!

2. Park on campus. This is vital because in order to even use one of the four available rental cars that Brigham Young University purchased in order to eliminate the subsidized bus pass system, you have to actually go onto campus and rent them. And then return them to campus. The cars will be forever parked on campus, which means that I have to walk up to campus in order to get to the car so that I can then drive to campus. This is far more efficient and useful than offering a free bus pass to students of the University because buses are totally gay. Also, you get a specialized spot that only YOU are allowed to park in! Which is the perfect solution to those nasty, overcrowded parking lots. I mean, often times there are no spots at all to park in! Who wants to deal with that? Not you, the proud semi-owner of a rented car.

3. Buy more gas. Gas, gas, gas. Oil, oil, oil. I’m going to purchase more oil from the Chevron-Texaco company than I know what to do with, thus fueling my patriotic love of all things in the name of Capitalism. In order to afford both the car and the gas to power it, however, I’m going to need to probably get another job. Which is alright because it’s just another cog in the wheel of society, really, spinning around and around, bleeding money into the economy.

4. Sleep in the car when I get kicked out of my apartment because I couldn’t pay the rent. Priorities first people. Cars first.

5. Wash the car. Every day, for hours. When I’m in class, I’ll day dream about waxing and buffing the fender. It’ll be the perfect outlet for my raging sexual repression and the intense self-loathing I’ll have developed by that point. Standing outside of the Cannon Center, I’ll just wax and buff and wax and buff. Then I’ll harness the power of The Sprinklers, the ever-present, weeping Sprinklers of Provo which rain down upon the earth with life and vitality, bringing forth crop after crop of edible and life-sustaining grass. Yes, The Sprinklers will then bring life to my automobile rented from the Hertz Rental Car Corp., as it shines and sparkles in the midday sun, reflecting back into my eyes the almighty truth of both the Gospel and Capitalism. I’ll blink hard to get the glare from my retina and in the darkness there will shine bright the impressed image of those two great goddesses holding arms and staring at me with infinite wisdom and love. God Bless America and God Bless My Car. But only for $8 per hour.

For more information on how to rent one of the four available (ultra-stylish and devastatingly classy) automobiles from this blessed union of Church and Private Enterprise, go here.

Alex Christman is CARS CARS CARS!!!!